He said:Forgiveness or at least what I perceive to be forgiveness is the ability to not only move forward but to “forget”, and to not require any punishment or restitution. I believe this forgiveness is impossible.
Being able to move forward with a “clean slate” after someone/something has hurt you is impossible (for me, and I believe for almost everyone). No child who is burnt by fire is as naïve or as “wide eyed” with fire, as he/she may have been before, ever again.
With this in mind then, I believe that prevention is better than cure. From a relationship standpoint, as long as doubts and fears are introduced, they never go away. Like I defined in the beginning, moving forward is one thing, but being able to have that whole “clean slate” feel, is impossible. It is human nature to dislike feeling pain (physically or emotionally), as a result of which we try to either avoid or reduce the amount of painful circumstances we face and experience.
I have seen it time and time again, where couples who have dealt with cheating, are never the same, couples dealing with lying, are never the same, etc. Once that seed of doubt is planted, it results in one party constantly fighting an uphill and no doubt fruitless battle to kill the negative perception of them self. Conversely, the other person is left wondering if they are in fact being duped again, or is this person for real.
It’s an unfortunate reality; our minds never forget. No matter how much love, respect, joy, or supposed bliss someone shares with another, once a doubt is exposed, insecurity is born, from which there is no return to “normal”.
Prevention is better than cure.
Real forgiveness may be a cure, but the common forgiveness (the moving forward, but not forgetting), like Advil, or Aspirin, only reduces and temporarily relieves the symptoms.
She said: Prevention is ideal, but I think forgiveness to cure a wrong should also be explored as a way to rebuild and restore a relationship or to move on from one.
To prevent a wrong from taking place is the best way to avoid any bumps in a relationship. However, I still think it’s possible, especially in the early stages in a relationship, to fall short of the expectations that your partner might have for you. We can work day and night to try to avoid this from happening; however each and every one of us is human and therefore are likely to sometimes fail the people we love.
I believe it’s necessary to make some mistakes though, hopefully those errors are fixable and both involved are able to move forward from them, learn a lesson, and have an even deeper connection with one another after dealing with the issues.
Unfortunately, there are several examples of things that we think are unforgivable, also known as “dealbreakers”. Each and every one of us have our own list of inexcusable acts and these things if committed against us are automatic ends. If that is the choice that one decides to make, that is their decision. After the fact, when the rebuilding stage is taking place, I think that one has to learn to forgive in order to move on and be blessed.
Real forgiveness is hard to accomplish, but with God’s help it can be achieved. Lewis B. Smede’s quote says it best, “To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”
Do you agree with what He said or with what She said? Have your say on the Topic of the Week.
Dr3 & Sammy-Jo
Want more? Go ahead and SUBSCRIBE to The Only Number!
Topic of the Week- Prevention vs Cure; Is Forgiveness Possible?
Sunday, June 28, 2009 by Andre
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
9 comments:
Both sides of the argument are valid. But yes...prevention is better than cure. Especially in terms of infidelity.....that is without a doubt one of the hardest things to forgive for the said reason..that it isnt something that just happens..it takes a series of concious decisions. People like to say "it just happened" which is a petty way of trying to absolve themselves of responsibility. It cant just happen...you know you shouldnt be in a particular position..then stop it...dont crawl away from temptation hoping it catches you. Forgiveness is easy when a person knows that it wont happen again...but the element of doubt that would be in a person's mind..especially if certain behaviours dont change understandable..and if the person refuses to change...then....well...problems arise. I could go further if you want to invoke a spiritual slant...but....i think that sums it up right there.
Oh...I have a book..Horn and Horn Management...if yuh want a copy..let me know.
You both bring very good points to the table. I agree with what he said based on my personal experiences alone. Like he said, once you've been burned, you are no longer naive and wide-eyed. Trust is such an important element to any relationship and if it isn't protected, that relationship dies. It's killed by doubt, jealousy, and arugments. Prevention is key, yes..because if two people are mature enough to lay out boundaries and standards at the beginning of a friendship/relationship, I think that'd cause much less heartache. Either you agree to these standards that will not cause doubt to sprout up, or you don't.
BUT, as a Christian woman I battle with the issue time and time again because I know even when someone does me wrong, forgiveness must always be there because day in and day out we continue to go against God and His will, yet He's right there with open arms each time forgiving us for our sins.
I'd say take HIS advice about prevention and mix it with HER willingness to move forward with Godly intentions.
While mistakes are likely and possible, it still boils down to the mistake itself. Unfaithfulness does not just happen in most cases, and still, steps should be taken to avoid it. Some people try to use the excuse of "Oh..it just happened" when that impossible. It happened because someone instead of fleeing temptation, crawled away hoping it would catch them. It all boils down to selfishness....selfishness on the part of the person who made the mistake..and as a result..that encourages the other person to be selfish (for the sake of self preservation) to make sure they not hurt ever again. True forgiveness is hard. But, think about it.....think how many times God forgave us...knowing full well we would ask again. I try to keep that in mind...but....still...human nature often prevails.
thanks for the comments,
Zwade i also agree about people absolving themselves with the whole "accident" excuse. It's like anonymous said though, it is important to identify the things that are inappropriate at the beginning of a relationship so as to avoid all the accidents, and mishaps.
appreciate your thoughts people.
You both make excellent arguments. Ideally, an ounce of prevention is always worth a pound of cure; however, if you're in a relationship, and you only focus on preventing negative situations, you will miss out on the relationship itself. In some cases, prevention is just not possible, and mistakes need to be made in order for the relationship to mature - trial and error. If you love someone, I mean, really love someone, and that person loves you, then you will be able to forgive them because you will know deep inside that their actions were not a direct reflection of their intentions...they made a mistake. Yes, we all make mistakes, but we also make choices. When someone intentionally hurts you, then yes, it is extremely difficult to forgive or forget - but how could you have possibly prevented that? And though you love this person, your love is CLEARLY not being reciprocated - this person just did you a favour...keep it moving. If both parties are genuinely trying to make it work, then mistakes will happen that will test the strength of the relationship. Love makes people do crazy things, and forgive and excuse crazy things, if the love is mutual. If the love is real, then it will prevail. Always. Bless up!
Could you explain to me how preventing unfaithfulness would make you miss out on the relationship itself? I agree that in some cases prevention is just not possible and mistakes must be made to cause the relationship to mature....but how would unfaithfulness help? It isnt to say that its a personality trait, a clash of ideas or viewpoints.....disparity in goals or ideals....its a violation of trust for no other reason but selfish reasons. Being able to move on and have that relationship survive takes a heroic form of understanding by both parties....especially by the guilty party..an understanding and a compromise that could be arrived at WITHOUT infidelity occuring.
Interesting topic, but I think we can all agree that prevention is the best practice. I also think we can agree that as imperfect creatures, mistakes will be made. In order to move forward, its important to forgive. The urgency to want to move forward is what makes it real. The real forgiveness mentioned, in my opinion, is not a cure. Forgetting what happened, is like saying nothing happened. This allows the person another opportunity to do the same thing again. Which in many cases, leave people in the same situation creating an emotionally draining cycle. However, by not forgetting the mistake, allows you and the other person to learn from it and PREVENT it from happening again.
I fully agree with my nigga Dr3, there is do or don't, black or white, no grey areas. You fucked up once, you gonna fuck up again. WHo thinks otherwise gotta be insane. Tempation is a hella of a thing. When second chances are given, persons have the tendency to think they can always get away with something. If you can't be faithful in a relationship, then don't be in FUCKING one, there are guys and ladies out there who just wants to "smash" so just get at them, before someone is emotionally scarred for life.
i appreciate your comments...just try to keep the cursing out..tryna keep it pg-13..appreciate the love though
Post a Comment