Now before we start lambasting black men globally for abandoning their kids, and having extra-marital to every other sort of adulterous relationship imaginable, let’s keep focus; that is not what this is about. Yes, there are many bad men, they are not fairytales (well nightmares for that matter), they are callous, and really don’t care about anyone but themselves; again though, that’s not the focus of this post. I’m addressing why black women can’t get THEIR man (focus on THEIR and not BLACK WOMAN).

One further disclaimer, I am writing on what I know; and that is black women. I have neither the first hand nor second hand knowledge, of enough women outside of my own race to give a justifiable opinion. For the rest of this post I will use women, but I am loosely referring to what I’ve known and been surrounded by all of my life; black women.

Now that my position is hopefully clear, the issue is simple; what women want vs. what they go for. As usual this being our blog, the views expressed are ours and in this case, mine, so excuse the absence of “in my opinion”, at the beginning of every sentence. The issue is simple, but it presents itself in a variety of complex, and confusing ways.

Firstly; the woman that overstates and advertises herself as more than she is.



This woman could be one of many. She is the woman that says she wants a serious relationship, and is searching for love, and a deep connection etc. etc. while she really only wants a man; period. Believe it or not, this is very prevalent and real. There are a lot of relationships where it is in fact the man that is ‘too’ serious for his girl. The result; he’s not a good man because he’s too needy and demanding, and of course, “insecure” (Unlike myself, apparently a lot of women have PhD’s in identifying insecurity, and immaturity).

She is also the woman that likes bad boys, and thugs, but claims to be after a man the treats her right and respects her mind and body. She’s also the woman that wants a man that listens and is caring, but in that same breath wants a challenge, and a man that is not ‘easy’. The result; a bad boy that wants to be bad, and never had any intentions of changing for her, or anyone else. On the other hand of course there’s that pushover of a guy that talks, and listens, and understands everything.

This is also the woman that wants sex, but for whatever reason (again not a psychology expert so the reason is not really my concern), needs to say that she wants love. The result is a man that is only involved for sex, and a relationship that never was a relationship to begin with. She knows it, but blames him for not loving her. She even convinces herself that with the sex they have, he will come around. Now it’s not a case of an innocent man, but at the same time where was the problem in the first place?

Secondly; the woman that does not know what she wants.



Now this is the woman that often really does meet those bad men, dogs, abusers, etc .etc. She is the woman that likes a guy, and wants to see where it goes. She knows she likes him, but that’s all she knows. She is often the victim to men that manipulate women into all that they want from them. She is the woman that does not know what to accept, what her bonderies are, or what she is willing to give this man. She is in my opinion the only woman that can talk about these dogs that lie and deceive and manipulate women. Often times she is involved in long relationships with men that initially were ‘let’s see where this goes’, and grows to love a man that never came out of that faze. He’s still testing waters, he doesn’t respect her, and he’s THE bad guy.

Thirdly; the woman that sends her ‘resume’ to WalMart but expects Barnes & Thornburg to call her up.

You CANNOT, want an intellectual, but only go to the club. You cannot be searching for a soul mate, or good guy, but your first requirement is a ‘six-pack’. A good looking man, is not a good man, so don’t blame him if he’s bad. This woman needs to study herself; she does the most complaining about men, but she is the one who should take the biggest blame. IF you want a good looking man, then so be it, go get him, but what in that ever promised you a good man? If in your criteria for searching for a man, it involves more about his pocket, his ‘shoe size’, his body, or his charm, then don’t deceive yourself; you are not looking for a ‘good man’.



My Verdict; There are many good men. He’s not at the club; because maybe women go for a different reason but guys go to get girls (not for the scenery, not for music, but for women; from freaks to pretty faces). To be realistic, you are not going to be going around talking to every man to learn his ‘interesting mind’, BUT if you are going around looking for ‘Mandingo’, or your very own Denzel, then admit that to yourself; now. If you find Denzel, remember that that’s who he is; he is not a good man. He could be (if you’re lucky or blessed or use magic or whatever), but that’s not promised. If you truly want YOUR man, you need to know what is most important to YOU. There are many men out there; good, bad, weird, nerdy, needy, ‘wack’, small, big, tall, and it goes on. But until women realize that what they like and what they need, what they say they want and what they go for, all need to be the same, they can never blame ‘bad men’.

I recently saw a video blog, by Shanel Cooper-Sykes, talking about women needing to stop shouting ‘bad men’, and ‘men are dogs’. I agreed with her answer, but her reasoning for me,(this man), was wrong. The love of yourself does not bring a loving man. Knowing yourself and what you NEED in a man, will bring YOURS to you. You need to know what you need, your priorities, in order to know what to search for.




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